Breaking Free - My Story

Breaking Free: Transforming Pain into Power After Domestic Abuse

Throughout life I have faced enough obstacles and challenges that sometimes reinventing myself was not just possible - it was neccessary.

Growing up in a family where basic needs, neglect and emotional dysfunction felt completely normal, I lacked the foundation of what constitutes healthy love and support. There was a deep void in my understanding of love and care. My relationships mirrored this void, leading me into situations of abuse and neglect, further deepening my feelings of lonliness, despair, worthlessness, shame and guilt.

The physical manifestation of this turmoil came out at the hands of two relationships. One was a drug addict that held me against my will for 24 hours with threats of violence. The other was a raging alcoholic whose violent outburst left me with a black eye, fractured cheekbone and broken nose with swelling so severe I refused to go to work for a month due to shame.

This abuse served as a chilling reminder of the cycle I was caught in. It was during this time I experienced a pivotal moment of realization. I would watch my children play, knowing that if I did not make the changes needed they would have no chance of knowing healthy relationships and if they turned out like him, I felt I would be responsible.This gave me the strength to leave the relationship and try to build a better life.

After leaving my first husband I spent a few years on my own with the kids. I focused on us, my career and buying my first house by myself. I was feeling confident. I allowed myself to open up to love again, leading to marriage. He seemed to be everything I had hoped for- stable, hardworking, and free from the vices that had destroyed the other relationships. However, beneath the surface, he too was struggling with unresolved traumas from childhood and a previous marriage.

Our lack of healing and coping skills soon became evident as we found it challenging to navigate life's hurdles together. His infidelity and eventual departure left me devastated, especially as it was all happening during a time already burdened with personal hardships, my mothers terminal cancer, his custody battle and my son experimenting with heavy drugs. His leaving felt like an abandonment not just by him but also by my stepdaughters, whose sudden absence further deepened my sense of loss even further.

The band aids I used to cover up all the unhealed wounds were flying off of me and the only thing I was left with was looking in the mirror and facing the trauma of my past as it bubbled to the surface. 

This period of my life was so heavy with betrayal by not only my husband but also my mothers husband who became someone we did not know after having him in our life for 26 years. It was all to much to bear, I felt defeated, overwhelmed lost and hopeless. I became frozen, I avoided the things I used to do and things we did as a family. It took every bit of energy I had to go to work and fake being ok. The only normalcy I felt was when I would be with my kids. 

In this darkness, my faith became my foundation to rebuild my life and to slowly enter back into the real world. My faith led me to the people and the resources I needed to find my way out of hopelessness and start my journey of healing. 

 At first I tried the typical options, they did not help me move forward. I was desperate to find understanding as to why I could not find the love I craved. I became engulfed in learning about relationships, trauma and the effects childhood trauma has on us and the relationships we choose. I studied, listened to podcasts and started talking about what I had gone through. The more I talked to people the more I discovered I was not the only one with a traumatic past. I would ask what they did to find inner peace. 

I became dedicated to changing my story. I started meditating and praying differently, I journaled. Journaling helped me release pent up emotions, I wrote details of all the horrible experiences, details I never thought about. I would then burn the writtings. I joined an online holilistic community, I learned about healthy relationships, boundaries and speaking my truth.

My transformation did not happen over night. It was a gradual process. I believe we can only process a limited amount at a time. I was finally confronting my feelingsI had long avoided. I was also being taught that what I felt and how I felt were very normal. I learned that my story is MY story. I learned we need to be in touch with who we are to set boundaries for ourselves and to protect our selves. We are allowed to have our needs met, it is vital in healthy relationships. And, most importantly,my truth matters, my voice matters, my self matters.

I believe in the power of community, the strength found in vulnerability  and the real life impact of holilstic healing. It is not about surviving it is about thriving, about creating a life filled with love, purpose and joy.

We are capable of achieving and overcoming some hard stuff, find your support system and go all in. You are worth it!!!!
  
 
   
Heather Bell Waters